Monday, October 29, 2007

I just found a worship song in Spanish that is dear to my heart. It warms my heart to remember Mexico and the ways the Lord used that to radically change my life. Thank you, Father, for your mercy and goodness.

I've been having a hard time with relationships in my life lately. I know, it's a pattern. Someday I will be refined and will know what it is to have healthy relationships! In the meantime I am in this "process" and I don't like it.

Here are some things I am learning in the middle of this time:

-It is foolish to flatter people, it is wise to speak truth to them. This is both for me speaking to other people, but also for people speaking to me. I think I have finally learned this in regards to talking to my friends, but I am just beginning to see the value of it from other people to me. Especially when those people are close, both physically and emotionally, and the last thing I want to hear is something I have done wrong. But it is wise. It is refining. It is humbling, if I let it be.

-The Lord has to be my sustainer. I must be centered on Him or else the winds push me right on over. If I'm connected to Him and my security is in Him, then things people say will point me closer to Him. And if I'm connected to Him, whatever happens each day will not crush me (i.e. support appointments or lack there of, relationship difficulties, running out of gas with $1.72 in your pocket). But life is so much more rich when I remain connected to the Vine.

Okay, enough rambling. Thanks for reading, dear ones.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Gracias a Dios

[field trip to the museum
an hour long rest time
something fun in the mail today
my new water bottle
tim finn
awanas tonight
my new bike helmet
walk to the park with zeke and hartlee today
babysitting job tomorrow]

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Superman woke me up today

This morning I woke up way early, so I turned my light on and read for an hour or two. After awhile I hear the faintest knocking on my door. I pretend to not hear it, hoping whoever it was would just go away. After a little bit I hear the door slide open so I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Then I hear Zeke whisper to Hartlee "I think Amy might be dead". And to that I couldn't help but crack up. So I lean up and say "I'm not dead, I'm sleeping" which apparently to Zeke (dressed in a superman costume) means "Please climb up into my bed" so he did just that. I just kind of looked at him with that "I can't actually believe this is happening" look but it went right over his 4 year old head. So he climbs right over me to the far side of the bed and slips right under the covers! I said to him that I needed some space and he just stared at me. So I said it again, a little firmer, and he climbed out of my bed. Hartlee had followed him in and I said "what are you guys doing anyway?" and she informed me that they were here to play in the great room (the living room right next to my bedroom). Then Zeke put his hand on the small of Hartlee's back, leading her out of my room, and turned back to say to me "Aim, we'll give you some space and when you are ready you can come out and play with us". HA! He cracks me up.

Yesterday Hartlee informed us at dinner that she had something stuck in her teeth. So she digs around for awhile then finally says "Oh! I got it out! It was just a little fella".

Thursday, October 04, 2007

i'm thankful for:

tattered cover bookstore.
zephaniah 3.
this sweater i am wearing.
michigan in a week and a half.
bev tomorrow.
bev tomorrow.
bev tomorrow.
the cranberries.
snow coming soon.
my red dishes, even if they are in storage with the rest of my things.
someday i will get to be in missouri, in my own house, with my red dishes, and i can leave my shoes out if i want, and i can burn a candle if i want, and i can talk on the phone wherever i want.

ugh. i'm not feeling very thankful today. i know that there are times that making a thankful list helps get rid of an unthankful heart. in mexico streit and i would walk around making grateful lists when we were grumpy and it usually ended up with us laughing that deep guy laugh. the cackle one. anyway, today it didn't really help. i still don't feel thankful.

though, i did spend time at tattered cover today and that helped. in fact, i thought it helped a lot and i was excited to share it but then, as it turns out, that won't work out as planned. i spend so much energy trying to convince myself that it is worth it to talk about it, to bring things up, that it is the right thing to do......but the littlest thing will thwart the whole plan. a scratch on the secretary, a phone call, a bug. boo.

well, that's all i got. back to doing something very important, if i could just find something important to do.

Monday, October 01, 2007


i'm sure it WON'T, but it's at least in the forecast, which means WINTER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, September 30, 2007


Please pray with me that the Lord would provide 17% more support before October 13th. That is $750 in 3 weeks!!!

On October 13th I am leaving for a follow-up conference for new staff, which will be in Hillsdale, Michigan. I'm excited to see my friends and get refreshed with support raising!

Tonight a friend told me that she has been praying that I would be at 40% of my support by the time we go to our conference and I am excited by that idea! Please pray with me that the Lord would do the following:

Provide more people for me to talk to about my ministry
Stir in the hearts of people I talk to so that if they are called to give, they will be faithful to do so

I'll write more tomorrow about life, but I wanted to post this update before going to be tonight! Thanks for praying, friends!

Thursday, September 20, 2007


today i am thankful for:

a babysitting job
a good book
my bed
starbucks at rei
my new bike helmet i bought at rei
the river by starbucks at rei and the sunshine today

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

i am thankful for:

my meeting tonight and the way it centers me
hartlee's kisses in target
petroleum jelly
a new supporter!
talking to emily bastine on the phone
yummy chicken for dinner
clean laundry
spending the whole day with zeke and hartlee
10 new letters to send out for support!
erin comes home tomorrow
my meeting tonight and the way it centers me

Monday, September 17, 2007


Life has been a little bleh lately. And it's raining today, which amplifies it. Not just a quick shower, which is typical to Colorado, but more like a downpour that will last all day. Kind of feels like my heart today.

There is just so much in life right now that needs to be figured out. I am at a weird transition but not really stage of life. I am in transition, but I will be for a year. And adjusting to life right now has taken longer than I expected and has been harder than I expected. How do I be me when nothing around me is me? None of my friends are around; I'm sleeping on someone else's bed in someone else's room in someone else's house.

Part of me just feels despair when I think about it being this was for a year. And then I start to wonder if life will even get better when I move to Missouri because none of my friends will be there either. Which, I am good at making friends and that doesn't scare me, but what does scare me is the idea of going somewhere that I am not known at all. It just sounds a bit lonely, which is the overwhelming emotion in this stage of life, so the prospect of Missouri is just not that exciting to me.

But it is. That's what's hard. The logical part of me wants to just move back to Greeley, or Fort Collins, and find a job and be with my friends. But a bigger part of me (probably the part of me that actually walks with the Lord) is so excited to go to Missouri....excited to meet new people, to get to be on campus reaching lost students with the Gospel, to start a new life, to experience a deeper level of healing that will come with being 700 miles from home.

I'm just rambling at this point, but I think the moral of all of this is that life is not all good or all bad. Life right now is not all bad, and as long as I keep reminding myself of that I will make it. And, Missouri is not all good OR all bad, and as long as I keep reminding myself of that I will make it there. Perhaps it would be wise to restart my thankfulness posts everyday. Being thankful sure does make a difference in my heart and perspective on life.

With that said, today I am thankful for....

fresh flowers next to my bed
no rent
zeke and hartlee
erin and chris
good music from meehee
bustakappa and seeing them last night
getting to spend the afternoon with zeke and hartlee
michigan in 25 days!!!!!
the process, i suppose, because i have to be thankful for it
money to deposit in the bank today
funny dreams last night
my sweet friends from new staff training

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mrs. Potter
by Lori Chaffer

Mrs. potter has a house on the corner where she sits and polishes her old silver plates
And she rocks in her chair alone singing songs of old and she wonders where did the time go

Mr. baker owns a grocery store where he’s worked for a few decades or more
and he tells all his patrons his stories and gives advice
and he wishes them all a good life

And oh in the twilight before the dawning the sun sets beautiful
And oh the moon is rising I swear it’s smiling it’ll turn your frown upside down

Little billy has a fancy toy car
Someday when he’s older he wants to be a star but for now all his
Dreams are as real as that car
And he’s happy cause life is ahead of him now

There’s a destitute poet who lives down the street
His words are fairly simple but to him they sound sweet
And the marrow of life is what he writes about
The well of words he’s dug’s so deep he can’t get out
And the weight of his message pulls the corners of his mouth

And he says oh it’s hard to take life lightly when you have time to look around
And oh the neighbors sighing, you know they're smiling cause you know what he's talking about

There’s a doctor with a scalpel in his hand
and he cuts the hearts and wallets of each rich and poor man
And he wants to quarantine the tragedy from life
‘Cause no one else has time

There’s an actress who lives next door and when she’s on stage it’s kind of like a war
But she won’t blame anybody for the way it is and she wonders how she’ll feel when the show ends

‘Cause the play’s too long to take too somberly and it’s too short to be a comedy
It's hard to change roles from stage to stage

But oh in the twilight before the dawning the sun sets beautiful
And oh the moon is rising I swear it’s smiling it’ll turn your frown upside down

It'll turn your frown upside down

Saturday, August 25, 2007

i need a digital camera. my profile picture is THREE YEARS OLD and therefore, i need a digital camera.

today i feel blah.

tonight i ate ice cream and talked with chris and his mom about everything under the sun for an hour or so. it ended up being a time of them sharing how Jesus answered prayer and about the seeds of their faith. story after story of them trusting God for big things and Him providing. then they asked me stories from my life and i shared a few and my heart was full.

there are times when it is hard to live here and things are awkward and i get insecure. but then there are times like tonight when people are asking me questions about my heart and i am getting to share about ways the Lord has impacted my life and i just feel so loved. this is a moment when i really don't want to go to missouri.

chris and erin have welcomed me into their home, their hearts, and their family and they will be terribly hard to leave. it is amazing how healing a little love can be.

on another note, i am going to greeley tomorrow! i have two support appointments and then i'm having blt's with the fam for dinner. woohoo!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

World Spins Madly On

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you’d gone
And the world spins madly on.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Friday, August 10, 2007

I need you!

Often three year old Hartlee, who I live with now, will say "Amy, I need you" but then won't actually need me. It is her way of saying "I love you". She just doesn't quite have the communication skills for that yet! It's really cute!

I, however, both love you and need you ;)

Please pray for these things:

-that God would bring people my age into my life here in Denver to hang out with
-for my support to come in quickly
-that I would work diligently on my support
-that life would settle into "normal" - it just feels so unsettled right now

Thank you friends!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

2 Peter

Have you ever read 2 Peter?

I read it through for the first time a few weeks ago and loved it. Now, that happens a lot to me, I read something and love it. But then usually the next time I go back to it the excitement is gone.

So a few weeks ago I read 2 Peter for the second time. And again I loved it. Now I can't stop reading it. I have tried to use tools from our Bible Study Methods class this summer to tear into it and get great stuff from it - but that gets boring right away. Instead, I just keep reading it and reading it and reading it. It is so good! Something about it draws me ... I think it screams of freedom and hope and walking with God and truth and I just love it.

Just wanted you to know.

well, here we are

I am sitting at Panera, my office, "working" on support. More like checking my email, drinking some tea, talking with Meehee on Skype, making eye contact with the cute guy behind the counter, and THEN I will make support calls.

I am officially home from New Staff Training. I came home Thursday night, late, and then spent all weekend alone because the Layne's were camping. It was good to be alone after a summer in the dorm, surrounded by 50,000 people. But at the same time, I'm such a verbal processor and overall extrovert that being alone for four days straight about did me in. And when the Layne's got in I was a bit overwhelmed (not sure why yet) so I decided to come here to Panera to "work" on support. I really will, I promise.

You might be wondering "how does Amy feel about going to Missouri?". That is a great question. Thanks for caring and asking.

Well, first of all, I am SO excited about the team. I spent some time this summer with several people on the team and I think it is really a great placement for me. It seems that everyone on the team has walked through similar things I have and that their desire for health is parallel to mine. And, after talking to them about the ministry, it seems as though students in Springfield are very similar to students at UNC. The culture seems very laid back and friendly, pretty open to the Gospel today.

I am not excited about moving to Missouri. It is 13 hours from home, hot, humid, my bread will mold faster, a different time zone, away from ANYONE that I know ... different. But I trust that when it comes time to move there my heart will have changed. You could probably pray for that.

So that's how I feel about Missouri.

I went to a new church today. I found it on the internet last night and I think I liked it. Here are my observations:

  • I saw no one close to my age but MANY people close to my parents age. Enough said about that.
  • I was the only one there in a tank top. My home church tends to be a bit more liberal then most (it's in Boulder, after all) so I figured I should wear a tank top instead of a strapless dress since I've never been to this church before. Apparently everyone else thought long sleeves would be better. Oops. Then I just went with it and played the role of "lost sinner wanders into a church" and flashed my tattoos just to confirm my depravity to them.
  • The teaching was amazing. The teacher was a guest speaker...hmmmm. He talked about the need to carry our cross in order to be disciples, but that in order to be successful in "carrying our crosses" we must be connected to the power of Christ and also the community of believers. This is something I am passionate about...authentic living. So if this is something the church is all about then I'll go there. Unfortunately, this was a guest speaker, so who knows. I'll go back next week to hear the head pastor talk.
  • If I was not a believer I would have turned around and walked out the minute I got in there. Nothing appealed to me, in fact everything seemed really fake and starchy. Now, don't hear me wrong, there are probably tons of people who need to know Jesus who would be drawn by the people there and the feel of the church. I just don't know those people. It makes me want to throw up when I think about lost people walking into 90% of the churches in America because we are all so fake! Grrrr, I have no answer to this, and really no well formed thoughts, I'm just rambling.

I think that's it. I'm going to go back next week to get a better feel.

Well, I guess that's it. Thanks for reading my "verbal" processing. Back to "work"...

Monday, July 16, 2007


[missouri state university
ginger ale
a shower
getting to sleep in a bit
seeing kelly & bruce henderson
hugs from meehee
"free" food in the dorm
a relaxing day yesterday
vision for ministry partner development
erin is coming up today
emily bastine
going to lafayette with emily bastine]
Today is Monday. I am thankful this Monday because I am here, in Fort Collins, with 9,000 other Campus Crusade for Christ staff members. I am going to go eat breakfast now. :)

Monday, July 09, 2007

tomorrow i might post pictures

I don't have a digital camera. SOOOO, you can either send me one or be patient and wait for pictures. :)

Everyone else up here has pictures I can steal and put up here, so hopefully soon I can show you guys new, exciting things in my life.

Until then, I just wanted to let you know that I got my placement and it is...

Missouri State University, in Springfield, Missouri!

Thursday, June 28, 2007


I still don't have a placement....and I'm starting to think it might be awhile before I know. The difficult thing is that the choice is between a school I really don't want, a school I want, and a school I would settle for. I want to be able to process and create vision for where I am going, but I just can't yet. Most other new staff have been given their placement and are getting excited, deal with disappointments, etc. I am stuck in this limbo and I don't like it.


What I know to be true about walking with the Lord is that the process is more important than the end result. There are truths to be learned in this time of waiting, and some I'm sure I won't realize I learned until weeks from now. The biggest thing I can see in the middle of it is that my view of God is being challenged (which is a good thing). I realize that I see God as angry at me, disappointed in me, given up on me, and overall just doesn't like me. It feels like I am a leftover, mediocre missionary that He is trying to find a place for because He has to, not because He is delighting in me. And seeing all of these things means that I get to hand them over to Him and allow Him to speak Truth into my life - whisper glimpses of His unending, deep, overwhelming love for me.

Also, I can't find anything here that comforts me...people and things fall I'm forced to cling to Him. Which is exactly where I want to be.

So, with all that said, I am still just waiting. I should find out soon. Please pray for my patience with the people involved in the process and with the people here who are just trying to walk through it with me. I keep getting so defensive and bickery with people, and I know it's just a result of what is going on in my heart.

We have two fairly big projects due tomorrow that I need to work on instead of blogging. But I am grateful because everyone around here has gone somewhere to work on theirs, so I'm home alone and have Christmas music playing. Sometimes I just need to play some Christmas music to cheer up my spirit.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I Whine

Today in my Doctrine Survey class my TA asked how we respond when we are wronged. I whine. A lot. To everyone who will listen.

We are reading Piper's book called Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. The chapter for today was about the suffering of Jesus. Piper wrote "When every judicial sentiment in the universe cried out 'unjust!' Jesus was silent...Nor did he refute false ridicule...Nor did he defend one has ever borne so much injustice with so little vengeance." (page 68)

My mind began to wander as the class discussed their responses to being wronged. Why didn't Jesus defend himself? Why didn't he reveal who he was? He could have explained who he was and yet still go to the cross. But then I got it, at least a part of it (I'm sure there is more that I don't even begin to comprehend...)

First of all, he has no sinful pride. He didn't need to defend himself because he didn't (and doesn't) care what people thought of him. He had no reputation to keep, so what did it matter what the people thought of him? But even bigger then that is that fact that he loved us so much that it didn't matter. I can just imagine him thinking about me and the deep, deep love he has for me and how it was so worth it for my sake. And you. He thought of you and the deep, deep love he has for you and how it was so worth it for your sake.

It overwhelmed me.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

New Staff Training

It is hard to believe that I have been at New Staff Training for almost two weeks. It has gone by pretty fast, but has been incredibly amazing.

My favorite part has been the graduate seminary classes we have been taking. It has been so revolutionary for me to be able to connect to the Lord with my mind in such deep, consistent ways. It has challenged me, but I am so thankful.

The people have been incredible. No complaints, other than the girls from Missouri who spent an hour telling me all their horror stories about tornadoes right after I told them I could get sent there. It was their way of encouraging me to come! Well, they did list all kinds of "really great" reasons and then mentioned the tornadoes.

Tonight was the night that they revealed our placements for the next several years. It involved a process of getting an envelope, opening it by yourself and then maintaining a period of silence. They wanted us to have time to process our placement with the Lord before talking to people about it. I opened my envelope and read these words: "Amy, after prayerful consideration, we are pleased to communicate to you your placement at to be determined." Yep, my placement has not been determined.

The build up over the last few days of all of us preparing to find out our placements led to a bit of disappointment in my heart when I read what I did. It was so anti-climatic. And afterward I had a discussion with my brother about how he thinks Missouri might be the best placement for me (of course I am hoping for Colorado). It was helpful for perspective, but left me in a place where I am really just going to have to depend on the Lord.

It might be a few weeks before I find out my placement. In the meantime I can't just sit around wondering, worrying, and trying to read into things. Instead, I need to discipline myself to rest in the Lord, knowing that He is good. Did I mention there are tornadoes in Missouri?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


Joyeria is the Spanish word for jewelry store. But when I lived in Mexico I always thought it should be a joy shop - maybe there is an implication that jewels will bring you joy, but probably not. Anyway, if I could sell all the things that give me joy right now in a store, this is what it would have:

-a barbecue with my friends on memorial day
-waking up to Hartlee and Zeke giving me hugs and love
-spending a morning cleaning, organizing and packing
-lunch with fun people for three hours today
-a slow week for work
-leftover fruit salad
-flowers from a friend
-sweet time with Jesus the last few days
-lunch with my brother tomorrow, playing with Malia tomorrow, and going to see Carrie and Loren on Saturday! wowee!!!!
-hope in my heart
-rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, etc....
-my cacti growing very well

and I feel like I could list a million more things. I am grateful for a happy heart today.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

graduation day!

My preschoolers graduated today! I am so very proud of them, but also extremely disappointed that I won't get to be in their lives anymore. I was thinking about all the big moments that will happen in their lives and how I won't be there for any of them. It was sad! I know, a bit rediculous, but I just love them. And my prayer the last few days is that the Lord will take care of them and put other believers in their lives to speak truth to them. I'll try to post pictures of the big day if I get them from my director.

After school today I kind of didn't know what to do with myself. So I came home and started the amazing job of packing my life up to move in two weeks! With my schedule so random, I have to start now using the time I have to pack. That way, I figure, my last few days I will have more time to spend with people instead of stuck in the house. Plus also, I LOVE packing, and cleaning and purging crap I don't need any more! It is one of my favorite things, so I just couldn't wait.

I am getting so excited for the changes in my life! I am learning that I love anticipating change and that I might possibly need it in my life more often than I think. Even little things, like changing the furniture around, help me stay energetic. Weird, I know, but if that's how I'm wired then that's how I'll live. I'm not sure how I do on the flip side of change...transitions aren't always easy, but at least the anticipation is good for me.

I guess that's all for now. Back to packing!

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Tonight I went to a prayer meeting at my church. I've been to several, and usually go with the intent of asking them to pray for me, but never summoning the courage to actually ask for the prayer. So each week I leave feeling crappy. But tonight I decided to share my heart and ask the 20 adults [most of which are older than me by 30 and 40 years] to pray for me.

And it sucked.

And it was so good.

Every time my dear friend Alicia rubs my back I say "that hurts!" and she asks if it's a good hurt or a bad hurt. This prayer time was a good hurt.

It required being vulnerable, and telling people I hardly know (though deeply trust) that I am actually weak and not as put together as I come across. I shared with them the difficulty I am having in my walk with the Lord and the ways that I am struggling. And for 15 minutes they prayed for me and read scripture to me and cried with me. And it was so good.

Here are a few things I walked away with:

-The importance of speaking out loud...reading the Bible aloud, talking about where I am at with people (instead of the isolation I have been choosing), etc.

-Ephesians 6...claiming this each day.

And several other things I'm not willing to post on the internet. But I feel the Lord stirring in my heart and healing me and changing me. I will share more as I find it important!

I'm off to watch a good movie with a good friend while drinking good water.

Monday, April 30, 2007

It's official!

I just received my full acceptance for staff with Campus Crusade for Christ! Just wanted to share the exciting news!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Blood on the butterfly tent

I teach preschool right now; more specifically a 4-5 year olds kindergarten prep class. As it is springtime, we have decided to get some caterpillars and teach the children about the life cycle of butterflies. As it turns out, I have learned more about life from these dirty bugs than the children have!

For a few weeks the caterpillars live in this little cup [obviously in nature they don't live in cups, but you must improvise for the classroom], eating aphids all day long and getting fat in preparation for their change.

One day, we went into the classroom and the little guys had started making their cocoons! They worked all day long, and by the next morning they had cozied up in their cocoons. And, despite what all the cute little books about caterpillars and butterflies says, they are not adorable little cocoons. In fact, they gave me the willies every time I walked by them. They looked like a ball of puss stuck to the lid of the jar.

So, after they all became complete cocoons, we put them in a butterfly tent. They lived in there for about a week, just stuck to the side of the tent. One poor guy started coming out of his cocoon too early. Just as he spread his beautiful wings for the first time, he fell to the bottom of the tent and died. It was sad, he was only half formed and was all bloody.

The next day, the rest of the butterflies began to emerge. At the end of the day, I walked the kids to the tent, one at a time, so they could see the new butterflies. One little girl didn't even notice the beautiful wings or the furry heads. All she saw was the blood on the side of the tent. You see, when the butterflies come out of the cocoon they bleed, a lot. So each spot that had held a cocoon now had a spot of blood about the size of a quarter. It was gross, to be honest. But it did teach me a valuable lesson about the process.

We are all in process. Dang it. I want to arrive, but like the first butterfly, I must wait for the process to do it's work. I can't just decide that today I am fully sanctified.

Also, the process isn't pretty. I am pretty, sure, but the process of my heart being transformed into the image of Christ is not always so lovely. There is some serious junk in my heart that has to be dealt with and just like the butterflies, I need to bleed a little before I can become my new person.

I think all the kids learned was that Ms. Amy is mean for not letting them play with the butterflies.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

you SHOULD be...

There has been a lot of fighting lately between the Real Amy (RA) and the Ideal Amy (IA). Well, I do believe they have been fighting for about 23 years, but it has come to my attention lately.

Just this week I have seen how I don't quite measure up in my walk with the Lord. I don't pray enough, read the Bible enough, trust God enough, etc. All the other people in my life seem to do everything that is "spiritual" better than I do (Erin would say "what in life isn't spiritual?"). In fact, I could look at everything in my life and see how I just don't quite do it good enough...I don't handle the kids I teach at preschool in the most edifying ways, I don't love my roommates well enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't eat quite enough vegetables, I don't brush my teeth well enough (yes, I really have thought that this week), blah blah blah. I don't ever allow myself to be doing something well enough.

That is because I am not the Ideal Amy. IA is completely patient with children, always knowing what to say to them in order for them to grow into healthy adults. IA loves her roommates deeply and knows exactly what to do to show them that. IA treats her body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, working out just the right amount, eating the perfect balanced diet, and keeping those pearly whites shining brightly! Unfortunately, I am the Real Amy, who just doesn't quite measure up to Ideal Amy. And until I learn to be okay with RA, IA will haunt me.

But in reality, RA is who Jesus died for. RA lives in a state of grace that gives freedom for life. (Now, Amy, repeat after me: "I am deeply loved, even when my breath stinks. I am deeply loved, even when my breath stinks...").

Just today my roommate was talking about her relationship with her younger sister and she mentioned casually that she "could be a better big sister". Which made me think about all of these things and also the fact that it is so ingrained in our culture to believe that we can actually be better than we are. And that there is an Ideal Person which can be attained and when you get there, THAT is where happiness is. This concept is so deep within us that we don't even realize how often we say "I really could be a better.....". Why don't we start saying "I am loved exactly how I am and I can trust that the Lord will develop things in me that He wants developed."

Easier said than done.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Every time I turn my head to the left my back pops

new staff training in 75ish days
a quiet night with my roommate
hartlee whispering secret love messages to me all day long
krankys from mexico
my bed
spending my day with erin
the bachelor]
"He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and oppose those who refute it." Titus 1:9
Last night I had such sweet, intimate time with Jesus. I decided that I would read Titus and trust the Lord to show me Truth. This stood out to me the most, and stirred in my heart once again the importance of hiding the Truth in my heart. How can I share with others if I am unsure or unknowing in my own heart? There is nothing else in my life that is going to make me more like Christ than holding firmly to the trustworthy message I have been taught.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


As I journaled and spent time with the Lord this morning I realized that I am anxious about New Staff Training this summer. This was a frustrating thing for me to see because I can't WAIT to join staff! I can't wait to be on campus and to be seeing God do amazing things in the lives of students!! Yet, I am so afraid of starting this whole process that I am frozen.

Part of my fear is meeting new people this summer...fear that I won't open up to them, that I won't be authentic. This is rooted in my fear that I am too much and that people will not want to know me. And this is all sinful - I am judging people I haven't even met yet, judging that they won't believe the best about me. And it is not allowing God to be glorified in my life!

I also realized that I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I will fail at making friends at NST, afraid that I will fail at ministry partner development, afraid that I will fail at walking with God, afraid that I will fail at ministry.

I don't feel like I have any great thoughts on this, other than the fact that I am grateful Jesus is showing this to me. I now have the choice to live in these fears, or chose to believe what is true.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


i am thankful for:

julia's mom
my 12 preschoolers and the way they have snuck into my heart
getting to share my heart with people who are safe
my new comforter
free strawberries everywhere i went today
a 20 minute nap
bed time...right now :)

Monday, April 02, 2007

and today...

... i am thankful for:

punch cards for free coffee
a clean car
sleeping in
good music
a day off
the excitement i have in my heart about new staff training
i actually thought today "i can't wait to start support raising!"
talking to alicia last night and emily today

Sunday, April 01, 2007

pictures from streit's wedding


Pictures are always more I'll show some from Carrie's wedding!


I just made some really great hummus.

Life has been hard lately. Which happens to everyone. But I am not believing things that are true and I am not running to Jesus to heal me, instead I am making really good hummus and eating a lot of it. So, following in the footsteps of Emily Bastine, I am going to resort to thankfulness instead of trying to come up with something interesting to write on here.

So, today I am thankful for:

lots of fun happies from my friend erin
sleeping in
good movies on tv
my job at target and my friends i work with

Sunday, February 11, 2007


Life has seemed crazy lately! I feel like I'm trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like right now while still looking forward to the future. I get so bogged down in the day to day craziness and feel like I'm on autopilot until New Staff Training in June. And I hate living this way. So I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I have nothing profound to share about it, I've just been rolling it all around in my head.

"Only be careful and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them." Deut. 4:9

What have my eyes seen?

Jesus enter into my life and change it radically
The lives of people in my family changed because of Christ
Students in Mexico cling to a savior with full hope
Every step I've needed to take the last two years of my life have been very clearly directed
A family brought into my life when I needed one
Every physical need met with little thought on my part
A huge, powerful, sovereign, loving, just, creative, merciful God who I know in intimate ways

Monday, January 22, 2007

Java Java

There is a fun coffee shop in town, Java Java, which appears to be run by believers. They have an entire wall that they call "community giving" and people can post ways they are in need or ways the coffee shop has given to them. I sat there and read the first five that caught my eye, and they were all churches or mission organizations. So then I looked a bit closer at the wall hangings and listened more attentively to the music and it was all centered around Christ. The owners were not there, but I'm hoping the next time I go in to be able to chat with the owners just to see what they are all about.
While I was enjoying my raspberry latte, I met with El Elyon, the Most High God. I have been feeling conviction lately that I don't hide the Truth in my heart. I know a handful of verses, which are the same verses I've known since I was 14 and first began my relationship with God. So I have a few that I have been working the last few days to memorize, and I'd like to share them with you now.
"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the battle is not yours, but Gods. See the deliverance the Lord will give you! The Lord will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20:15 &17
"The Lord your God is with you, His power gives you victory. The Lord will take delight in you, and in His love He will give you new life. He will sing & be joyful over you!" Zepheniah 3:17
Today I have chosen a few more to work on, now that I have those two down. Here are my choices today...

"In embroidered garments she is led to the King, her virgin companions follow her and are brought to you." Psalm 45:14
-This verse gives me so much hope for my ministry! I so often start to believe that I will fail because I do not have all the skills necessary to do everything right with the girls I work with. But this verse reminds me that I am being led to the King (where there is intimacy, revelation and true life) and the women I disciple will follow me, therefore be brought to the King themselves! It doesn't say anything about doing the right things, saying the right words, knowing the perfect next step for a just says to follow Jesus and they will follow my example.
"Daughters of kings are among your honored women; at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir." Psalm 45:9
-I love the place this gives the bride...amidst all these other women, she alone is given the seat of honor and intimacy next to the King. As believers, we are each given this place of intimacy and honor, and that is our first ministry-to the King!