Thursday, June 28, 2007


I still don't have a placement....and I'm starting to think it might be awhile before I know. The difficult thing is that the choice is between a school I really don't want, a school I want, and a school I would settle for. I want to be able to process and create vision for where I am going, but I just can't yet. Most other new staff have been given their placement and are getting excited, deal with disappointments, etc. I am stuck in this limbo and I don't like it.


What I know to be true about walking with the Lord is that the process is more important than the end result. There are truths to be learned in this time of waiting, and some I'm sure I won't realize I learned until weeks from now. The biggest thing I can see in the middle of it is that my view of God is being challenged (which is a good thing). I realize that I see God as angry at me, disappointed in me, given up on me, and overall just doesn't like me. It feels like I am a leftover, mediocre missionary that He is trying to find a place for because He has to, not because He is delighting in me. And seeing all of these things means that I get to hand them over to Him and allow Him to speak Truth into my life - whisper glimpses of His unending, deep, overwhelming love for me.

Also, I can't find anything here that comforts me...people and things fall I'm forced to cling to Him. Which is exactly where I want to be.

So, with all that said, I am still just waiting. I should find out soon. Please pray for my patience with the people involved in the process and with the people here who are just trying to walk through it with me. I keep getting so defensive and bickery with people, and I know it's just a result of what is going on in my heart.

We have two fairly big projects due tomorrow that I need to work on instead of blogging. But I am grateful because everyone around here has gone somewhere to work on theirs, so I'm home alone and have Christmas music playing. Sometimes I just need to play some Christmas music to cheer up my spirit.


Emily Bastine said...

i love you but probably not the time of year for christmas music... have fun on those projects. thank you for your vulnerability. you challenge me in big ways kid.

John ate Peyote said...

Sometimes the lesson we need to learn is fairly simple and right before us. We don't want to acknowledge it so we dig for some deeper meaning; tell ourselves things like "This must just be part of God's plan". I hear the pain in your post...I hope the lessons find you.