Monday, April 30, 2007

It's official!

I just received my full acceptance for staff with Campus Crusade for Christ! Just wanted to share the exciting news!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Blood on the butterfly tent

I teach preschool right now; more specifically a 4-5 year olds kindergarten prep class. As it is springtime, we have decided to get some caterpillars and teach the children about the life cycle of butterflies. As it turns out, I have learned more about life from these dirty bugs than the children have!

For a few weeks the caterpillars live in this little cup [obviously in nature they don't live in cups, but you must improvise for the classroom], eating aphids all day long and getting fat in preparation for their change.

One day, we went into the classroom and the little guys had started making their cocoons! They worked all day long, and by the next morning they had cozied up in their cocoons. And, despite what all the cute little books about caterpillars and butterflies says, they are not adorable little cocoons. In fact, they gave me the willies every time I walked by them. They looked like a ball of puss stuck to the lid of the jar.

So, after they all became complete cocoons, we put them in a butterfly tent. They lived in there for about a week, just stuck to the side of the tent. One poor guy started coming out of his cocoon too early. Just as he spread his beautiful wings for the first time, he fell to the bottom of the tent and died. It was sad, he was only half formed and was all bloody.

The next day, the rest of the butterflies began to emerge. At the end of the day, I walked the kids to the tent, one at a time, so they could see the new butterflies. One little girl didn't even notice the beautiful wings or the furry heads. All she saw was the blood on the side of the tent. You see, when the butterflies come out of the cocoon they bleed, a lot. So each spot that had held a cocoon now had a spot of blood about the size of a quarter. It was gross, to be honest. But it did teach me a valuable lesson about the process.

We are all in process. Dang it. I want to arrive, but like the first butterfly, I must wait for the process to do it's work. I can't just decide that today I am fully sanctified.

Also, the process isn't pretty. I am pretty, sure, but the process of my heart being transformed into the image of Christ is not always so lovely. There is some serious junk in my heart that has to be dealt with and just like the butterflies, I need to bleed a little before I can become my new person.

I think all the kids learned was that Ms. Amy is mean for not letting them play with the butterflies.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

you SHOULD be...

There has been a lot of fighting lately between the Real Amy (RA) and the Ideal Amy (IA). Well, I do believe they have been fighting for about 23 years, but it has come to my attention lately.

Just this week I have seen how I don't quite measure up in my walk with the Lord. I don't pray enough, read the Bible enough, trust God enough, etc. All the other people in my life seem to do everything that is "spiritual" better than I do (Erin would say "what in life isn't spiritual?"). In fact, I could look at everything in my life and see how I just don't quite do it good enough...I don't handle the kids I teach at preschool in the most edifying ways, I don't love my roommates well enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't eat quite enough vegetables, I don't brush my teeth well enough (yes, I really have thought that this week), blah blah blah. I don't ever allow myself to be doing something well enough.

That is because I am not the Ideal Amy. IA is completely patient with children, always knowing what to say to them in order for them to grow into healthy adults. IA loves her roommates deeply and knows exactly what to do to show them that. IA treats her body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, working out just the right amount, eating the perfect balanced diet, and keeping those pearly whites shining brightly! Unfortunately, I am the Real Amy, who just doesn't quite measure up to Ideal Amy. And until I learn to be okay with RA, IA will haunt me.

But in reality, RA is who Jesus died for. RA lives in a state of grace that gives freedom for life. (Now, Amy, repeat after me: "I am deeply loved, even when my breath stinks. I am deeply loved, even when my breath stinks...").

Just today my roommate was talking about her relationship with her younger sister and she mentioned casually that she "could be a better big sister". Which made me think about all of these things and also the fact that it is so ingrained in our culture to believe that we can actually be better than we are. And that there is an Ideal Person which can be attained and when you get there, THAT is where happiness is. This concept is so deep within us that we don't even realize how often we say "I really could be a better.....". Why don't we start saying "I am loved exactly how I am and I can trust that the Lord will develop things in me that He wants developed."

Easier said than done.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Every time I turn my head to the left my back pops

new staff training in 75ish days
a quiet night with my roommate
hartlee whispering secret love messages to me all day long
krankys from mexico
my bed
spending my day with erin
the bachelor]
"He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and oppose those who refute it." Titus 1:9
Last night I had such sweet, intimate time with Jesus. I decided that I would read Titus and trust the Lord to show me Truth. This stood out to me the most, and stirred in my heart once again the importance of hiding the Truth in my heart. How can I share with others if I am unsure or unknowing in my own heart? There is nothing else in my life that is going to make me more like Christ than holding firmly to the trustworthy message I have been taught.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


As I journaled and spent time with the Lord this morning I realized that I am anxious about New Staff Training this summer. This was a frustrating thing for me to see because I can't WAIT to join staff! I can't wait to be on campus and to be seeing God do amazing things in the lives of students!! Yet, I am so afraid of starting this whole process that I am frozen.

Part of my fear is meeting new people this summer...fear that I won't open up to them, that I won't be authentic. This is rooted in my fear that I am too much and that people will not want to know me. And this is all sinful - I am judging people I haven't even met yet, judging that they won't believe the best about me. And it is not allowing God to be glorified in my life!

I also realized that I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that I will fail at making friends at NST, afraid that I will fail at ministry partner development, afraid that I will fail at walking with God, afraid that I will fail at ministry.

I don't feel like I have any great thoughts on this, other than the fact that I am grateful Jesus is showing this to me. I now have the choice to live in these fears, or chose to believe what is true.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


i am thankful for:

julia's mom
my 12 preschoolers and the way they have snuck into my heart
getting to share my heart with people who are safe
my new comforter
free strawberries everywhere i went today
a 20 minute nap
bed time...right now :)

Monday, April 02, 2007

and today...

... i am thankful for:

punch cards for free coffee
a clean car
sleeping in
good music
a day off
the excitement i have in my heart about new staff training
i actually thought today "i can't wait to start support raising!"
talking to alicia last night and emily today

Sunday, April 01, 2007

pictures from streit's wedding


Pictures are always more I'll show some from Carrie's wedding!


I just made some really great hummus.

Life has been hard lately. Which happens to everyone. But I am not believing things that are true and I am not running to Jesus to heal me, instead I am making really good hummus and eating a lot of it. So, following in the footsteps of Emily Bastine, I am going to resort to thankfulness instead of trying to come up with something interesting to write on here.

So, today I am thankful for:

lots of fun happies from my friend erin
sleeping in
good movies on tv
my job at target and my friends i work with