Thursday, June 28, 2007


I still don't have a placement....and I'm starting to think it might be awhile before I know. The difficult thing is that the choice is between a school I really don't want, a school I want, and a school I would settle for. I want to be able to process and create vision for where I am going, but I just can't yet. Most other new staff have been given their placement and are getting excited, deal with disappointments, etc. I am stuck in this limbo and I don't like it.


What I know to be true about walking with the Lord is that the process is more important than the end result. There are truths to be learned in this time of waiting, and some I'm sure I won't realize I learned until weeks from now. The biggest thing I can see in the middle of it is that my view of God is being challenged (which is a good thing). I realize that I see God as angry at me, disappointed in me, given up on me, and overall just doesn't like me. It feels like I am a leftover, mediocre missionary that He is trying to find a place for because He has to, not because He is delighting in me. And seeing all of these things means that I get to hand them over to Him and allow Him to speak Truth into my life - whisper glimpses of His unending, deep, overwhelming love for me.

Also, I can't find anything here that comforts me...people and things fall I'm forced to cling to Him. Which is exactly where I want to be.

So, with all that said, I am still just waiting. I should find out soon. Please pray for my patience with the people involved in the process and with the people here who are just trying to walk through it with me. I keep getting so defensive and bickery with people, and I know it's just a result of what is going on in my heart.

We have two fairly big projects due tomorrow that I need to work on instead of blogging. But I am grateful because everyone around here has gone somewhere to work on theirs, so I'm home alone and have Christmas music playing. Sometimes I just need to play some Christmas music to cheer up my spirit.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I Whine

Today in my Doctrine Survey class my TA asked how we respond when we are wronged. I whine. A lot. To everyone who will listen.

We are reading Piper's book called Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. The chapter for today was about the suffering of Jesus. Piper wrote "When every judicial sentiment in the universe cried out 'unjust!' Jesus was silent...Nor did he refute false ridicule...Nor did he defend one has ever borne so much injustice with so little vengeance." (page 68)

My mind began to wander as the class discussed their responses to being wronged. Why didn't Jesus defend himself? Why didn't he reveal who he was? He could have explained who he was and yet still go to the cross. But then I got it, at least a part of it (I'm sure there is more that I don't even begin to comprehend...)

First of all, he has no sinful pride. He didn't need to defend himself because he didn't (and doesn't) care what people thought of him. He had no reputation to keep, so what did it matter what the people thought of him? But even bigger then that is that fact that he loved us so much that it didn't matter. I can just imagine him thinking about me and the deep, deep love he has for me and how it was so worth it for my sake. And you. He thought of you and the deep, deep love he has for you and how it was so worth it for your sake.

It overwhelmed me.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

New Staff Training

It is hard to believe that I have been at New Staff Training for almost two weeks. It has gone by pretty fast, but has been incredibly amazing.

My favorite part has been the graduate seminary classes we have been taking. It has been so revolutionary for me to be able to connect to the Lord with my mind in such deep, consistent ways. It has challenged me, but I am so thankful.

The people have been incredible. No complaints, other than the girls from Missouri who spent an hour telling me all their horror stories about tornadoes right after I told them I could get sent there. It was their way of encouraging me to come! Well, they did list all kinds of "really great" reasons and then mentioned the tornadoes.

Tonight was the night that they revealed our placements for the next several years. It involved a process of getting an envelope, opening it by yourself and then maintaining a period of silence. They wanted us to have time to process our placement with the Lord before talking to people about it. I opened my envelope and read these words: "Amy, after prayerful consideration, we are pleased to communicate to you your placement at to be determined." Yep, my placement has not been determined.

The build up over the last few days of all of us preparing to find out our placements led to a bit of disappointment in my heart when I read what I did. It was so anti-climatic. And afterward I had a discussion with my brother about how he thinks Missouri might be the best placement for me (of course I am hoping for Colorado). It was helpful for perspective, but left me in a place where I am really just going to have to depend on the Lord.

It might be a few weeks before I find out my placement. In the meantime I can't just sit around wondering, worrying, and trying to read into things. Instead, I need to discipline myself to rest in the Lord, knowing that He is good. Did I mention there are tornadoes in Missouri?