I played ring around the rosie many, many times today. And each time I laughed harder than the 2 year old and the 3 year old I was playing with. They crack me up! How can running in a circle until you get dizzy and fall down so fun?
I feel...contemplative? melancholy? sad? I'm not sure what I would label it. I am sitting in the basement of my friends house, waiting to go hang out with the Lord and then go to my brother's slip and slide birthday party. It will be so cute to see all the kids playing in the water, sliding around, being silly. Who would have thought turning 30 could be so fun?!
Anyway, I just finished baby sitting and am working on support and thought I would take a break to write something here. I can't quite put a finger on what I am feeling. I don't feel happy, thought I don't think I feel sad. God has provided a place to live, rent for this month, and this amazing basement to stay in for free until I can move into my new apartment. He has provided support (and paychecks) for this month, thought next month is still waiting to be seen. I have all these things to be thankful for, all these things that were causes of stress but have now been worked out. I feel peacefull here in this place and I feel encouraged about what God is doing...yet something still feels off.
Maybe it's just the music I am playing...it's slow and thoughtful. Yesterday I went to my parent's house while they were gone and went through all of my things. In the last four years I have moved 5 times, and in the middle of that my parents moved too. So my stuff is all in boxes, and there are piles of boxes. "Mexico stuff" "Bustakappa stuff" "high school stuff". So my goal was to merge it all and then throw away everything I don't want anymore and pack the stuff I want into boxes to take to my new apartment on Tuesday. Maybe that is why I am in this mood. It was sad to go through all of my busta kappa things. I would stop and look at each thing, thinking about the house and the memories.
Then I went through my Mexico things, and that was even harder. The most difficult thing was looking through the cards and gifts the students gave me before I left. Adan made me a picture frame out of cardstock that says "friends forever" in English and in Spanish and then has a picture of him inside of it. Then there was the jellied goo thing Indira gave me which I haven't gotten around to eating yet. I just couldn't get myself to throw it away in April, so I stuck it in the closet and had to throw it away yesterday. And I cried. It was a stupid piece of nasty Mexican candy, and I cried when I threw it away.
Needless to say, I didn't finish going through my things. I packed all my clothes and books, and left the rest for another day. It was a joy, though, to come here to my friends house after that, and have her 3 year old son be waiting up for me in his pajamas. All day he knew that Mamy (what he calls me) was coming to stay the night and would be there when he woke up. He hugged me and promised to wake me up in the morning :). And today he said he loved me and he liked me.
Well, if you've read this whole thing you are a champ. I don't even think I am going to go back and proof read it...I just needed to write for awhile.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Goldfish
I am house sitting for a very kind family from my church. They have two sweet girls, a dog, two fish, a hamster and a neighbor that throws all the newspapers up near the house after the paperboy leaves them on the driveway. They have graciously allowed me to live here while they are on vacation, and they are returning tomorrow. Today I woke up and thought the room I was living in smelled kind of funny. I opened the window, sprayed some air freshener and went on my way. A few hours later I went by to check on the hamster and peeked into the smelly room and noticed a smelly, lifeless goldfish. Some little part of me was sad and thought this was really poor timing, but most of me thought it was really funny. So I cleaned the little dead fish out of the tank and gave him a 10 second funeral as the toilet flushed. Then I called the dad and advised him to warn the little girl about her loss.
I also have had some great time with the Lord the last few days. Here are some things I have learned...
2 Corinthians 4:7-10
Cause :
Verse 7 & 10 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us...We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
Effect:
Verse 8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
I don't think I really need to say any more, just read those verses one more time and it should start to sink in.
Here is the other passage that has impacted my life greatly lately.
Psalm 34:8-14
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it."
Right before I read this passage I was praying and told the Lord I needed Him to provide my financial support. I confessed that I was fearful that things would not come together and that He was not good. Then I read Psalm 37:34 "Hope in the Lord" and it cross referenced Psalm 34, so I went back and read that.
A friend asked me today how I was doing with my ministry partner development. I told her I felt hopefull, yet full of despair at the same time. I'm not sure how that is possible, but it is how I feel. The minute I quit meditating on these verses despair begins to sink in, then I turn to the Lord and He fills me with hope.
I also have had some great time with the Lord the last few days. Here are some things I have learned...
2 Corinthians 4:7-10
Cause :
Verse 7 & 10 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us...We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
Effect:
Verse 8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
I don't think I really need to say any more, just read those verses one more time and it should start to sink in.
Here is the other passage that has impacted my life greatly lately.
Psalm 34:8-14
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it."
Right before I read this passage I was praying and told the Lord I needed Him to provide my financial support. I confessed that I was fearful that things would not come together and that He was not good. Then I read Psalm 37:34 "Hope in the Lord" and it cross referenced Psalm 34, so I went back and read that.
A friend asked me today how I was doing with my ministry partner development. I told her I felt hopefull, yet full of despair at the same time. I'm not sure how that is possible, but it is how I feel. The minute I quit meditating on these verses despair begins to sink in, then I turn to the Lord and He fills me with hope.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
pictures to go with the last post...
This is the picture of Matt and I that I mentioned in the previous post
The rest of these are from our first week in Durango
The bus...right after we left, and right before two of us started throwing up and the driver got drunk
The "home search" team, taking a tourist break :)
Random picture from the hotel room showerI want a home!
[insert really cool picture that i can't make load - gggrrrrrr]
I found this picture while I was looking through pictures of Mexico. It makes me smile. It is Matt Mitchell and I during our first week in Durango, outside of an internet cafe/ice cream shop. I didn't have a home then, and I don't have a home now. I'll tell you the story of homeless Amy in Mexico today, and maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about homeless Amy now.
We arrived in Durango on September 10th, 2005, very late at night. We paid off our bus driver to drop us off at our hotel instead of the bus station and quickly went to bed. The next day we woke up, had team church time in the basement of the hotel, and then made a plan. We wanted to be moved into a house/houses by the end of the week. So we split up into teams, one going to campus to get things rolling with the ministry, and one team to scout out places to live. The latter was my team...
We poured over newspaper advertisements for housing, talked to every contact we had in the city, and finally drove around town with Gabriel, a student the summer team had met. For three days straight we looked at crummy place after crummy place. Finally we found an apartment complex that was right between the two main university campuses we would be on, was right in our price range, and was in a safe neighborhood. After the other team got home from campus we walked them over to the apartments and we all agreed this was the place for us. There were two apartments available...one for the girls, one for the boys. The girls were going to each have to share a room with another person, and it was on the small side, but we would be right above the boys. And regardless, it was the best thing we had seen so far. The landlord's son had shown us the place, so we had to go eat dinner and then go back to sign the lease.
As we walked into the lobby of our hotel, the receptionist said that Jen, my teammate, had a phone call right that second. So Jen grabbed the phone and the rest of us went to our rooms. I settled in for some time with the Lord, and quickly realized I didn't feel peace about signing a lease on the place. So I prayed about it for a few minutes and finally just asked the Lord to provide something better in the hour before we were to sign the lease if the uneasiness was from Him.
As soon as I had finished praying Jen came in and shared about her phone call with us. That summer our friend Marta (from UNC) had been in Durango and had met with a lady about us renting her house. When Marta got back to the States she lost the lady's info and we had just written it off. Well, about two weeks before we left, unknown to us, Marta had found the lady's info and had emailed her, telling her we needed a place to live and the name of the hotel we would be at. The lady had just checked her email that very day and had called the hotel to ask us to come that night to see her house.
We start walking to her house and one by one we each share that we had been very uneasy about the other place. We laughed as we all shared things about it we didn't like, but were planning on just settling with! Not a single one of us had been honest that we didn't like the place. We get to this house and it is huge, in our price range, enough bedrooms for us all to have our own (though Sarah and Steph ended up sharing anyway) and plenty of space to have students over. The best part is, it was two blocks from the apartment complex we had been looking at, so the boys were able to get one of the apartments and be very close to us. The entire year I had no complaints about the house - it was perfect for what we needed!
Yet we had all been willing to settle on something that we all knew were wrong, just for the sake of finding a place. I know that God could have still done amazing things if we had lived in those apartments, but our large house provided room for students to hang out, have parties and lead bible studies. We even had Christian neighbors!
So, I'm homeless. However, I know God has plans. I know that He will unveil them at the perfect moment, just as He did in Mexico. He won't let anything happen to me that is out of His plan. I just need to keep spending time with Him, following Him faithfully.
My heart is longing to settle into my own home. I have been living out of a suitcase, in someone else's room, since March 29. And the year before that I lived out of suitcases as well! It has been over a year since I have seen my own bedspread, used my own pillow, seen my photo albums...you get the picture. Pray with me that the Lord would move soon. Things seem to work out, then they fall through. Which, as I learned in Mexico, is only a sign to me that He has something perfect planned out.
I found this picture while I was looking through pictures of Mexico. It makes me smile. It is Matt Mitchell and I during our first week in Durango, outside of an internet cafe/ice cream shop. I didn't have a home then, and I don't have a home now. I'll tell you the story of homeless Amy in Mexico today, and maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about homeless Amy now.
We arrived in Durango on September 10th, 2005, very late at night. We paid off our bus driver to drop us off at our hotel instead of the bus station and quickly went to bed. The next day we woke up, had team church time in the basement of the hotel, and then made a plan. We wanted to be moved into a house/houses by the end of the week. So we split up into teams, one going to campus to get things rolling with the ministry, and one team to scout out places to live. The latter was my team...
We poured over newspaper advertisements for housing, talked to every contact we had in the city, and finally drove around town with Gabriel, a student the summer team had met. For three days straight we looked at crummy place after crummy place. Finally we found an apartment complex that was right between the two main university campuses we would be on, was right in our price range, and was in a safe neighborhood. After the other team got home from campus we walked them over to the apartments and we all agreed this was the place for us. There were two apartments available...one for the girls, one for the boys. The girls were going to each have to share a room with another person, and it was on the small side, but we would be right above the boys. And regardless, it was the best thing we had seen so far. The landlord's son had shown us the place, so we had to go eat dinner and then go back to sign the lease.
As we walked into the lobby of our hotel, the receptionist said that Jen, my teammate, had a phone call right that second. So Jen grabbed the phone and the rest of us went to our rooms. I settled in for some time with the Lord, and quickly realized I didn't feel peace about signing a lease on the place. So I prayed about it for a few minutes and finally just asked the Lord to provide something better in the hour before we were to sign the lease if the uneasiness was from Him.
As soon as I had finished praying Jen came in and shared about her phone call with us. That summer our friend Marta (from UNC) had been in Durango and had met with a lady about us renting her house. When Marta got back to the States she lost the lady's info and we had just written it off. Well, about two weeks before we left, unknown to us, Marta had found the lady's info and had emailed her, telling her we needed a place to live and the name of the hotel we would be at. The lady had just checked her email that very day and had called the hotel to ask us to come that night to see her house.
We start walking to her house and one by one we each share that we had been very uneasy about the other place. We laughed as we all shared things about it we didn't like, but were planning on just settling with! Not a single one of us had been honest that we didn't like the place. We get to this house and it is huge, in our price range, enough bedrooms for us all to have our own (though Sarah and Steph ended up sharing anyway) and plenty of space to have students over. The best part is, it was two blocks from the apartment complex we had been looking at, so the boys were able to get one of the apartments and be very close to us. The entire year I had no complaints about the house - it was perfect for what we needed!
Yet we had all been willing to settle on something that we all knew were wrong, just for the sake of finding a place. I know that God could have still done amazing things if we had lived in those apartments, but our large house provided room for students to hang out, have parties and lead bible studies. We even had Christian neighbors!
So, I'm homeless. However, I know God has plans. I know that He will unveil them at the perfect moment, just as He did in Mexico. He won't let anything happen to me that is out of His plan. I just need to keep spending time with Him, following Him faithfully.
My heart is longing to settle into my own home. I have been living out of a suitcase, in someone else's room, since March 29. And the year before that I lived out of suitcases as well! It has been over a year since I have seen my own bedspread, used my own pillow, seen my photo albums...you get the picture. Pray with me that the Lord would move soon. Things seem to work out, then they fall through. Which, as I learned in Mexico, is only a sign to me that He has something perfect planned out.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Good Morning Granola!
A friend moved to Seattle yesterday, and as a going away present gave me all her food :) So today I woke up with free granola for my yogurt!
God continues to work in my life in very tangible ways. He is providing exactly what I need each day, and I am honored.
What confuses me, however, is my own brain. Something amazing happened Wednesday - a miracle if you will. The Lord orchestrated incredible things in my life in a matter of minutes that I had been stressing about and trying to take care of myself for weeks. All I had to do was give them to Him and trust that He would take care of me. So Wednesday I trusted Him and Wednesday He provided. Then Thursday I forgot it all. I'm an right back where I started, worrying about big things and little things, trying my hardest to make it all work out.
You know, I am a teacher and I should know how people learn. I should know how to make lessons I learn stick in my brain and how to apply them to the rest of my life...that is what I would be helping children do if I was in a classroom! Why can I not get things to stick in my heart and mind?
I was reading in Proverbs yesterday and it might give me insight into this problem.
"How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught." Proverbs 1:7 (The Living Bible)
What I'm ultimately desiring is to become wise. Yes, I want peace and joy in the midst of the stress - I want my problems worked out - I want to grow in my trust of the Lord. But behind all of that is wisdom! Wisdom would apply what I have already learned to a new situation I am facing. Wisdom gives it over to the Lord, knowing He is in control and loves me.
So I must trust and reverence the Lord. In other words, I must fear the Lord. I must view Him as the awesome, almighty maker He is and trust Him to be good.
Somehow I don't think I am coming to a conclusion that works here, because I'm really back where I started (with some cheesy Christian words in the middle). I would love to Trust the Lord and give Him those things that stress me out, however I simply don't. What changes from one day to the next that dictates whether or not I am going to trust Christ and walk in the power of the Holy Spirit? Why can I not be consistent at this? I tend to be consistent at eating breakfast, checking my email, going to the bathroom, and blinking my eyes. But trusting Jesus is just not one of my things. And I hate that.
God continues to work in my life in very tangible ways. He is providing exactly what I need each day, and I am honored.
What confuses me, however, is my own brain. Something amazing happened Wednesday - a miracle if you will. The Lord orchestrated incredible things in my life in a matter of minutes that I had been stressing about and trying to take care of myself for weeks. All I had to do was give them to Him and trust that He would take care of me. So Wednesday I trusted Him and Wednesday He provided. Then Thursday I forgot it all. I'm an right back where I started, worrying about big things and little things, trying my hardest to make it all work out.
You know, I am a teacher and I should know how people learn. I should know how to make lessons I learn stick in my brain and how to apply them to the rest of my life...that is what I would be helping children do if I was in a classroom! Why can I not get things to stick in my heart and mind?
I was reading in Proverbs yesterday and it might give me insight into this problem.
"How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught." Proverbs 1:7 (The Living Bible)
What I'm ultimately desiring is to become wise. Yes, I want peace and joy in the midst of the stress - I want my problems worked out - I want to grow in my trust of the Lord. But behind all of that is wisdom! Wisdom would apply what I have already learned to a new situation I am facing. Wisdom gives it over to the Lord, knowing He is in control and loves me.
So I must trust and reverence the Lord. In other words, I must fear the Lord. I must view Him as the awesome, almighty maker He is and trust Him to be good.
Somehow I don't think I am coming to a conclusion that works here, because I'm really back where I started (with some cheesy Christian words in the middle). I would love to Trust the Lord and give Him those things that stress me out, however I simply don't. What changes from one day to the next that dictates whether or not I am going to trust Christ and walk in the power of the Holy Spirit? Why can I not be consistent at this? I tend to be consistent at eating breakfast, checking my email, going to the bathroom, and blinking my eyes. But trusting Jesus is just not one of my things. And I hate that.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
i am floored...
...by what the Lord has done today.
I woke up feeling really low. I have been very anxious about housing and support and life in general and I finally hit a low point this morning. So I made a plan. I set the timer on my watch to go off every hour of the day, and I assigned a certain, specific thing to pray for at each hour.
By the time I walked in the door from work today, 3 of the things had been answered VERY specifically and several more were clearly in the works!
It's funny how as soon as I began taking things to Him and giving them to Him to take care of He began to meet those needs. And I am not a theologian, I don't even really know what I believe as far as the line between God working in my life and me asking Him to. However, what I have learned today is that 1) I become a lot less stressed when I give things over to Him in complete trust, 2) He took care of three of those things that were huge and stressing me out as soon as I gave them to Him to take care of, and 3) even the things that haven't been "taken care of" are suddenly not so stressful - I have peace again.
Praise Jesus with me for teaching me these things and for answering my prayers!!!!!
I woke up feeling really low. I have been very anxious about housing and support and life in general and I finally hit a low point this morning. So I made a plan. I set the timer on my watch to go off every hour of the day, and I assigned a certain, specific thing to pray for at each hour.
By the time I walked in the door from work today, 3 of the things had been answered VERY specifically and several more were clearly in the works!
It's funny how as soon as I began taking things to Him and giving them to Him to take care of He began to meet those needs. And I am not a theologian, I don't even really know what I believe as far as the line between God working in my life and me asking Him to. However, what I have learned today is that 1) I become a lot less stressed when I give things over to Him in complete trust, 2) He took care of three of those things that were huge and stressing me out as soon as I gave them to Him to take care of, and 3) even the things that haven't been "taken care of" are suddenly not so stressful - I have peace again.
Praise Jesus with me for teaching me these things and for answering my prayers!!!!!
Friday, July 21, 2006
unbelief
I thought I would share today about something I am not believing.
Psalm 68:19
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens."
and Isaiah 46:4
"Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Psalm 68:19
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens."
and Isaiah 46:4
"Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
I need a housing situation worked out, desperately. I have about a week to find a new place to live. There are three possible places for me to live, however I have one problem with all three of them - support. My support is only at 55%, which means that my paycheck is not sufficient to pay rent. So until my support is raised, I cannot sign a lease. However, I have one week to leave the place I am in.
I am not believing that He is bearing my burdens and sustaining me. I prayed for a long time that I would be able to believe that He is going to take care of this situation, but trust is not coming easily. Will you pray with me for my situation and for my heart?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
psalm 87:6
"The Lord will write in the register of the peoples: 'This one was born in Zion'" - ps 87:6
This passage floored me today. I was sitting outside of starbucks, enjoying the warm summer night and the lack of noise around me when I came across this verse. I had just been journaling and praying about sin and about grace.
You see, the Lord has been teaching me amazing things about grace, which I think I may have mentioned on here before. Today I saw my sin all around me. By the time my starbucks time rolled around I was feeling pretty crummy. I had lied to a good friend about something dumb, I had eaten enough for two people at dinner (I can't wait to be pregnant and be able to use that line as justification! Instead I am stuck with the reality of turning to food for comfort, dang it), I had been lazy and not worked on support at all, and I had checked my email more often than I prayed. Plus about a thousand other things.
So I'm feeling really gross and figured the best solution was to spend time with Jesus. Okay, I really thought the best solution was some starbucks, and then once I was there decided to spend time with Jesus. So I was journaling and praying through my sin and my junk with the Lord, and he reminded me of what I have been learning about grace. He reminded me that I am FULLY loved, even in the middle of all my junk. He could not love me more than he does right now, when I can see nothing good in myself. I don't even have to try harder to be a good person or to make up for my sin - I just have to be with him and enjoy his love and forgiveness. Thank you Jesus!
So I'm thinking through all of this and start reading in the Psalms. I read several Psalms, but spend more time thinking about anything and everything else. Then I come across 87:6. I read right over it, but something grabbed my attention in it and I went back and read it again. Then I got really excited as it began to sink in. "The Lord will write in the register of the peoples: 'this one was born in zion'". Nothing else matters any more. My past - long ago and even the junk from today - does not define me. My family does not define me. Instead, it shall be known that I am a child of Zion - a child of the kingdom of God!! My sin is no longer what I am known by, but instead through grace it is written for everyone to know that I am a child of the King.
And wow what an inheritance!
This passage floored me today. I was sitting outside of starbucks, enjoying the warm summer night and the lack of noise around me when I came across this verse. I had just been journaling and praying about sin and about grace.
You see, the Lord has been teaching me amazing things about grace, which I think I may have mentioned on here before. Today I saw my sin all around me. By the time my starbucks time rolled around I was feeling pretty crummy. I had lied to a good friend about something dumb, I had eaten enough for two people at dinner (I can't wait to be pregnant and be able to use that line as justification! Instead I am stuck with the reality of turning to food for comfort, dang it), I had been lazy and not worked on support at all, and I had checked my email more often than I prayed. Plus about a thousand other things.
So I'm feeling really gross and figured the best solution was to spend time with Jesus. Okay, I really thought the best solution was some starbucks, and then once I was there decided to spend time with Jesus. So I was journaling and praying through my sin and my junk with the Lord, and he reminded me of what I have been learning about grace. He reminded me that I am FULLY loved, even in the middle of all my junk. He could not love me more than he does right now, when I can see nothing good in myself. I don't even have to try harder to be a good person or to make up for my sin - I just have to be with him and enjoy his love and forgiveness. Thank you Jesus!
So I'm thinking through all of this and start reading in the Psalms. I read several Psalms, but spend more time thinking about anything and everything else. Then I come across 87:6. I read right over it, but something grabbed my attention in it and I went back and read it again. Then I got really excited as it began to sink in. "The Lord will write in the register of the peoples: 'this one was born in zion'". Nothing else matters any more. My past - long ago and even the junk from today - does not define me. My family does not define me. Instead, it shall be known that I am a child of Zion - a child of the kingdom of God!! My sin is no longer what I am known by, but instead through grace it is written for everyone to know that I am a child of the King.
And wow what an inheritance!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Here is something I shouldn't have done...
I went through and read my old blog (www.xanga.com/ofcourseiamitalian) and my old day planner. Normally not a bad idea, either of these things, but it made my heart a little sad. I read through the days leading up to my departure to Mexico and the days following my arrival. And it made me sad. It made me sad to remember who I was during that time, and it made me sad to remember Mexico.
I have changed in countless ways since September 10, 2005. The person who got on the airplane that day never came home from Mexico, instead I did. I suppose it is safe to say that who I am today is better, healthier, more mature in my faith, however I am still grieving that other girl a little. Perhaps it is the stage of life that I miss. College was fun on so many levels, but my favorite part was doing ministry my senior year. I loved sharing my faith on campus and helping new believers grow in their faith. My confidence was in the Lord and I knew where I fit in to life. In Mexico my faith was shaken as I lived in this new world, with new people. I could no longer rely on coping mechanisms I knew so well, and I had to cling to the Lord in a new way. Total dependence on Him. It is good for me, but difficult to learn. I would even call it painful at times.
I think I was also troubled by the faith that I had then compared to the faith I have now. That summer I appeared to be full of faith. I was confident that the Lord would provide, I was learning things constantly from Him, and my hope was set on things above. What has changed? I still trust, I still learn, and yet things are different.
I am learning a lot lately about myself. One of those things is that I like to run from everything emotional or feelings oriented. I don't like to admit I have feelings, good or bad, or that something has effected me. I put on a happy face and push past it. Perhaps that is what my "faith" was last summer. (As a disclaimer, this is not a well thought out theory, just some rambling.) What if I was really just running from fear that the Lord wouldn't provide, fear that He wasn't real, sadness and discouragement about support? What if my way of escaping those feelings was to convince the world and then myself that I had faith the Lord would provide?
In that case, what am I longing for when I look back at that time in my life? Am I truly desiring the "faith" I had then, or is my heart longing for the freedom to cover up life? Maybe the second is true. During this time that I am realizing I run from emotions, I am also realizing that I have a lot underneath it all. There is a lot of hurt, confusion, pain, anger, and wounds that have never been dealt with. So, perhaps what I long for is the ability to sweep it all under the rug as I did before, and call it faith. That's what the girl who went to Mexico would do. But the girl who came home knows that only leads to death. I want to face it all, but I will do so with the freedom to feel grief over what has been.
I have changed in countless ways since September 10, 2005. The person who got on the airplane that day never came home from Mexico, instead I did. I suppose it is safe to say that who I am today is better, healthier, more mature in my faith, however I am still grieving that other girl a little. Perhaps it is the stage of life that I miss. College was fun on so many levels, but my favorite part was doing ministry my senior year. I loved sharing my faith on campus and helping new believers grow in their faith. My confidence was in the Lord and I knew where I fit in to life. In Mexico my faith was shaken as I lived in this new world, with new people. I could no longer rely on coping mechanisms I knew so well, and I had to cling to the Lord in a new way. Total dependence on Him. It is good for me, but difficult to learn. I would even call it painful at times.
I think I was also troubled by the faith that I had then compared to the faith I have now. That summer I appeared to be full of faith. I was confident that the Lord would provide, I was learning things constantly from Him, and my hope was set on things above. What has changed? I still trust, I still learn, and yet things are different.
I am learning a lot lately about myself. One of those things is that I like to run from everything emotional or feelings oriented. I don't like to admit I have feelings, good or bad, or that something has effected me. I put on a happy face and push past it. Perhaps that is what my "faith" was last summer. (As a disclaimer, this is not a well thought out theory, just some rambling.) What if I was really just running from fear that the Lord wouldn't provide, fear that He wasn't real, sadness and discouragement about support? What if my way of escaping those feelings was to convince the world and then myself that I had faith the Lord would provide?
In that case, what am I longing for when I look back at that time in my life? Am I truly desiring the "faith" I had then, or is my heart longing for the freedom to cover up life? Maybe the second is true. During this time that I am realizing I run from emotions, I am also realizing that I have a lot underneath it all. There is a lot of hurt, confusion, pain, anger, and wounds that have never been dealt with. So, perhaps what I long for is the ability to sweep it all under the rug as I did before, and call it faith. That's what the girl who went to Mexico would do. But the girl who came home knows that only leads to death. I want to face it all, but I will do so with the freedom to feel grief over what has been.
Friday, July 07, 2006
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