august

Celebrating my brother's 30th birthday with a feats of strength competition, which included a pinata

Play with the Layne's and another family at the park!

Celebrating Hartlee with an alligator cake

I've been trying to figure out what to write on here for a while. November 15th I was robbed and they took my computer (among other things) and for some reason my heart just hasn't been in this blog since then. But I enjoy writing on here (and staying in touch with people through the blog) so I'm jumping back in tonight. Nothing amazing has been going on in my life lately, so I'll just give you a random list of updates:

-Sir Edmund Hilary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, died today. Few people know about my love of Mt Everest. I've always wanted to summit the dang mountain, and I spent many evenings in college training. I've read nearly every book written about it and waste many hours checking on websites and such. That's about all I have to say about that right now.

-In other news, I just got back from Denver Christmas Conference! It was fun to get to be with students from Missouri State and to be able to catch up with my staff team. They are incredible! I can't wait to join them and get to live life with them.

-I am listening to a song right now that says "Lately I've lost my tongue, today you found my song...I sat beside you and became myself" and I like it.

-I need to spend time with Jesus now. Perhaps He will teach me something profound and I'll write more in a few hours.

i'm thankful for:

tattered cover bookstore.
zephaniah 3.
this sweater i am wearing.
michigan in a week and a half.
bev tomorrow.
bev tomorrow.
bev tomorrow.
the cranberries.
snow coming soon.
my red dishes, even if they are in storage with the rest of my things.
someday i will get to be in missouri, in my own house, with my red dishes, and i can leave my shoes out if i want, and i can burn a candle if i want, and i can talk on the phone wherever i want.

ugh. i'm not feeling very thankful today. i know that there are times that making a thankful list helps get rid of an unthankful heart. in mexico streit and i would walk around making grateful lists when we were grumpy and it usually ended up with us laughing that deep guy laugh. the cackle one. anyway, today it didn't really help. i still don't feel thankful.

though, i did spend time at tattered cover today and that helped. in fact, i thought it helped a lot and i was excited to share it but then, as it turns out, that won't work out as planned. i spend so much energy trying to convince myself that it is worth it to talk about it, to bring things up, that it is the right thing to do......but the littlest thing will thwart the whole plan. a scratch on the secretary, a phone call, a bug. boo.

well, that's all i got. back to doing something very important, if i could just find something important to do.

i need a digital camera. my profile picture is THREE YEARS OLD and therefore, i need a digital camera.

today i feel blah.

tonight i ate ice cream and talked with chris and his mom about everything under the sun for an hour or so. it ended up being a time of them sharing how Jesus answered prayer and about the seeds of their faith. story after story of them trusting God for big things and Him providing. then they asked me stories from my life and i shared a few and my heart was full.

there are times when it is hard to live here and things are awkward and i get insecure. but then there are times like tonight when people are asking me questions about my heart and i am getting to share about ways the Lord has impacted my life and i just feel so loved. this is a moment when i really don't want to go to missouri.

chris and erin have welcomed me into their home, their hearts, and their family and they will be terribly hard to leave. it is amazing how healing a little love can be.

on another note, i am going to greeley tomorrow! i have two support appointments and then i'm having blt's with the fam for dinner. woohoo!

well, here we are

I am sitting at Panera, my office, "working" on support. More like checking my email, drinking some tea, talking with Meehee on Skype, making eye contact with the cute guy behind the counter, and THEN I will make support calls.

I am officially home from New Staff Training. I came home Thursday night, late, and then spent all weekend alone because the Layne's were camping. It was good to be alone after a summer in the dorm, surrounded by 50,000 people. But at the same time, I'm such a verbal processor and overall extrovert that being alone for four days straight about did me in. And when the Layne's got in I was a bit overwhelmed (not sure why yet) so I decided to come here to Panera to "work" on support. I really will, I promise.

You might be wondering "how does Amy feel about going to Missouri?". That is a great question. Thanks for caring and asking.

Well, first of all, I am SO excited about the team. I spent some time this summer with several people on the team and I think it is really a great placement for me. It seems that everyone on the team has walked through similar things I have and that their desire for health is parallel to mine. And, after talking to them about the ministry, it seems as though students in Springfield are very similar to students at UNC. The culture seems very laid back and friendly, pretty open to the Gospel today.

I am not excited about moving to Missouri. It is 13 hours from home, hot, humid, my bread will mold faster, a different time zone, away from ANYONE that I know ... different. But I trust that when it comes time to move there my heart will have changed. You could probably pray for that.

So that's how I feel about Missouri.

I went to a new church today. I found it on the internet last night and I think I liked it. Here are my observations:

• I saw no one close to my age but MANY people close to my parents age. Enough said about that.
• I was the only one there in a tank top. My home church tends to be a bit more liberal then most (it's in Boulder, after all) so I figured I should wear a tank top instead of a strapless dress since I've never been to this church before. Apparently everyone else thought long sleeves would be better. Oops. Then I just went with it and played the role of "lost sinner wanders into a church" and flashed my tattoos just to confirm my depravity to them.
• The teaching was amazing. The teacher was a guest speaker...hmmmm. He talked about the need to carry our cross in order to be disciples, but that in order to be successful in "carrying our crosses" we must be connected to the power of Christ and also the community of believers. This is something I am passionate about...authentic living. So if this is something the church is all about then I'll go there. Unfortunately, this was a guest speaker, so who knows. I'll go back next week to hear the head pastor talk.
• If I was not a believer I would have turned around and walked out the minute I got in there. Nothing appealed to me, in fact everything seemed really fake and starchy. Now, don't hear me wrong, there are probably tons of people who need to know Jesus who would be drawn by the people there and the feel of the church. I just don't know those people. It makes me want to throw up when I think about lost people walking into 90% of the churches in America because we are all so fake! Grrrr, I have no answer to this, and really no well formed thoughts, I'm just rambling.

I think that's it. I'm going to go back next week to get a better feel.

Well, I guess that's it. Thanks for reading my "verbal" processing. Back to "work"...

tomorrow i might post pictures

I don't have a digital camera. SOOOO, you can either send me one or be patient and wait for pictures. :)

Everyone else up here has pictures I can steal and put up here, so hopefully soon I can show you guys new, exciting things in my life.

Until then, I just wanted to let you know that I got my placement and it is...


Missouri State University, in Springfield, Missouri!

Waiting

I still don't have a placement....and I'm starting to think it might be awhile before I know. The difficult thing is that the choice is between a school I really don't want, a school I want, and a school I would settle for. I want to be able to process and create vision for where I am going, but I just can't yet. Most other new staff have been given their placement and are getting excited, deal with disappointments, etc. I am stuck in this limbo and I don't like it.

BUT

What I know to be true about walking with the Lord is that the process is more important than the end result. There are truths to be learned in this time of waiting, and some I'm sure I won't realize I learned until weeks from now. The biggest thing I can see in the middle of it is that my view of God is being challenged (which is a good thing). I realize that I see God as angry at me, disappointed in me, given up on me, and overall just doesn't like me. It feels like I am a leftover, mediocre missionary that He is trying to find a place for because He has to, not because He is delighting in me. And seeing all of these things means that I get to hand them over to Him and allow Him to speak Truth into my life - whisper glimpses of His unending, deep, overwhelming love for me.

Also, I can't find anything here that comforts me...people and things fall short...so I'm forced to cling to Him. Which is exactly where I want to be.

So, with all that said, I am still just waiting. I should find out soon. Please pray for my patience with the people involved in the process and with the people here who are just trying to walk through it with me. I keep getting so defensive and bickery with people, and I know it's just a result of what is going on in my heart.

We have two fairly big projects due tomorrow that I need to work on instead of blogging. But I am grateful because everyone around here has gone somewhere to work on theirs, so I'm home alone and have Christmas music playing. Sometimes I just need to play some Christmas music to cheer up my spirit.

New Staff Training

It is hard to believe that I have been at New Staff Training for almost two weeks. It has gone by pretty fast, but has been incredibly amazing.

My favorite part has been the graduate seminary classes we have been taking. It has been so revolutionary for me to be able to connect to the Lord with my mind in such deep, consistent ways. It has challenged me, but I am so thankful.

The people have been incredible. No complaints, other than the girls from Missouri who spent an hour telling me all their horror stories about tornadoes right after I told them I could get sent there. It was their way of encouraging me to come! Well, they did list all kinds of "really great" reasons and then mentioned the tornadoes.

Tonight was the night that they revealed our placements for the next several years. It involved a process of getting an envelope, opening it by yourself and then maintaining a period of silence. They wanted us to have time to process our placement with the Lord before talking to people about it. I opened my envelope and read these words: "Amy, after prayerful consideration, we are pleased to communicate to you your placement at to be determined." Yep, my placement has not been determined.

The build up over the last few days of all of us preparing to find out our placements led to a bit of disappointment in my heart when I read what I did. It was so anti-climatic. And afterward I had a discussion with my brother about how he thinks Missouri might be the best placement for me (of course I am hoping for Colorado). It was helpful for perspective, but left me in a place where I am really just going to have to depend on the Lord.

It might be a few weeks before I find out my placement. In the meantime I can't just sit around wondering, worrying, and trying to read into things. Instead, I need to discipline myself to rest in the Lord, knowing that He is good. Did I mention there are tornadoes in Missouri?

graduation day!

My preschoolers graduated today! I am so very proud of them, but also extremely disappointed that I won't get to be in their lives anymore. I was thinking about all the big moments that will happen in their lives and how I won't be there for any of them. It was sad! I know, a bit rediculous, but I just love them. And my prayer the last few days is that the Lord will take care of them and put other believers in their lives to speak truth to them. I'll try to post pictures of the big day if I get them from my director.

After school today I kind of didn't know what to do with myself. So I came home and started the amazing job of packing my life up to move in two weeks! With my schedule so random, I have to start now using the time I have to pack. That way, I figure, my last few days I will have more time to spend with people instead of stuck in the house. Plus also, I LOVE packing, and cleaning and purging crap I don't need any more! It is one of my favorite things, so I just couldn't wait.

I am getting so excited for the changes in my life! I am learning that I love anticipating change and that I might possibly need it in my life more often than I think. Even little things, like changing the furniture around, help me stay energetic. Weird, I know, but if that's how I'm wired then that's how I'll live. I'm not sure how I do on the flip side of change...transitions aren't always easy, but at least the anticipation is good for me.

I guess that's all for now. Back to packing!